Deliver Us From Evil? Pretty Please??

I was a big girl tonight.

Mr. Gore was away, performing important and eternal ministerial duties. Cough, cough…playing softball. The children were asleep and I was happily doing the important and eternal ministerial duties of a pastor’s wife. Cough, cough…checking facebook (searching for prayer requests and lost sinners, of course).

That’s when I saw the spawn of satan crawling across my bedroom floor.

Usually they play dead and try to trick me into leaving them alone. But not this one. He had the nerve to crawl. On my bedroom floor, y’all.

A scorpion.

An evil, wicked, plucked from the depths of hell scorpion.

When I am placed in situations like this, any notion I have entertained of being a godly, peaceful, cool-as-a-cucumber and mature woman of faith just flies flat out the window. And my prayers become ridiculous. Something like this (or, in truth, exactly like this):

Oh dear God help me.

Help me, help me, help me, help me.

What am I going to do? Oh God help me.

I hate softball.

{We interrupt this prayer for a short intermission in which a vicious scorpion is violently and repeatedly beaten with a wedge-heeled dress shoe. The insane and terrified owner of that shoe turns away and, bending over with her hands on her knees, has a short anxiety attack and visibly shudders four times as sharp goosebumps emerge from her collarbone down to her ankles}.

Oh God.

I hate scorpions. I hate them. I hate them. Oh Lord. I HATE them!


Why did you make them??

So…not exactly the type of plea you’d see published in a prayer book, but it was for real. And sadly indicative of what a real idiot I am in times of trouble. In horrified fascination, I took one last look at my kill even as my body begged me to look away and then hurriedly scooped Baby Betsie out of her bassinet and flitted to the living room on my tippie-toes where we hopped up on the couch and propped our feet up for the rest of the night.

Do you know what my children say to their Papa right before he leaves for work every morning?

“Watch out for spiders, scorpions and bad guys!”

Then they slam the door in his face and I set the alarm.

I’m just glad to see that I am having such a great impact on the next generation…

Maybe tomorrow I’ll teach them how to pray.

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